training

So Lamrock just called and we had a short catch up and discussion about the umat. I was just about to go to sleep and she called, so I wouldn't have passed up the opportunity to talk to her :)

So... the umat. I've actually been dreading this event for quite some time now. It's not that I fear it, it's just something that stands in the way between what I want and what I need to do to get there. I feel that declining her invitation (please don't berate yourself, Lamrock - I love you very much, and I would have loved to be with you every step of the way to that exam <3) was one of the hardest decisions I've come to confront in my very short and boring life. Would I leave the opportunity where I would be able to have human guide through the course of the exam? All in all, yes. I asked my mum, and it wasn't the fact that she didn't let me go to it, it's the question she asked that had me caught up and question myself.

She asked me, "what do you want?"

It was a simple question, at first, but I realised the depth of the question and the impact it would have on perhaps my overall career choice. I'm not going to reason with you as to why I chose to do what I did (unless of course, you ask me in person - I don't mind, really HAHA, but I won't be able to give you the answer you'd like/expect), because it would be unnecessary. I feel that... I may have passed up the chance to do what could have given me a potential 'fast-track' into Medicine, but seeing as though I feel it near impossible, I feel like I'm giving into the pressure of the HSC. Not. Good.

I now ask myself - what do I really want? It's not about the money or the prestige. I know for sure. And I've known this, despite my constant career deviations through my life, that there has been one thing I've kept turning back to - medicine. I don't think it guarantees anything such as a position in university or not; I just think it tells me what might suit me and what I might enjoy. Because heck, I don't think being a business woman is my type of thing, despite my choice of subjects. Really, I lack variety.

So... there you have it. My mental turmoil for the past day or two. Yes, I've heard about the tuition when Oth called me a few days ago :) I just... kind of put that away at the back of mind until I had a better time to think. Seriously, I just wish life was just a dream. That way everyone wouldn't have to fight tooth and nail for a 95+ percentile to get into medicine. I would chuck a Naruto-joke here, but you all would have just cracked up at my dry attempt. So yes. 2012 has arrived (excuse my mental belatedness), and I am perfectly unnerved.

I will go to sleep... after I finish reading fanfiction. Why am I getting addicted to this unhealthy habit again? *grim face* GOODBYE! :D And I can't wait to see my girls. I miss them so very much, and I want to confide in them my thoughts as well. GOOD NIGHT!